


I still wonder

by eternaluniverse



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Friendship, M/M, Post-Episode: s12e05 Fugitive of the Judoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22530193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaluniverse/pseuds/eternaluniverse
Summary: “Of course, you understand! A different you, you’ve never been, who can’t be your future… We’re not just talking about parallel universes, the walls don’t seem unstable, but timelines that never happened. Possible futures and past which mustn’t exist!”The Doctor and Missy talk (or maybe they don't?)
Relationships: The Doctor | Theta Sigma/The Master | Koschei (Doctor Who: Academy Era), The Doctor/The Master (Doctor Who), Thirteenth Doctor/Missy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	I still wonder

**Author's Note:**

> This story turned out very different than planed, and I'm not sure what I should think about it myself... but I wanted to post this before the next episode (I know I'm late, but I still got around two hours left...). 
> 
> Have fun!

It’s in the middle of the night after a very nasty exam. Most of the students are asleep after the exhaustion but not all of them. In one of the rooms, two teenagers are kissing. They are so young, so innocent and when the two boys finally break apart to breath, both are smiling. Looking at each other as if the other one is their whole universe.

It’s a long time before the boys start speaking, smiling, watching their friend. They feel save with each other. The silent is broken with such an innocent but still intime statement: “We could marry, have our own children…” Theta Sigmas voice is only a whisper. Koschei looks at him with big blue eyes and grins shyly.

“As if this is ever going to happen.” He chuckles. “Can you imagine me as a husband.” Theta starts to laugh. “You would be a very weird husband, but I’m sure I would still love you.” Koschei rolls his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous, Thete.” But he’s still grinning. “We could have children without being married…” Thetas voice is just nearly audible right know. “Your brother would kill us!” Koschei is still grinning.

“I don’t even want children! And even if, I don’t think that I would want to loom a child…” “We can make our own, Kos.” Theta has red cheeks, he looks really cute. Koschei gives him a kiss. “With you and me both having male bodies?!” “Don’t be so negative, Kos!” His best friend laughs again. “Let’s think about this, if ever one of us becomes female.”

_I love you_ , Theta wants to say.  
 _I know, stupid. I love you, too,_ Koschei wants to answer.  
But neither of them does. “Kiss me, Thete.” They start snogging, again.

Years and Years later the two friends, who are no longer Theta Sigma and Koschei, are sitting next to each other, lost in their own thoughts. “I wonder what would have happened, if you said yes...” The Doctor’s voice is nearly silent. “What do you mean?” “You and me, having children...”

The Master laughs, but he sounds as sad as he feels. “As if that would have changed anything, my dear Doctor.” “I wonder if we would have ended up here...” The Master rolls his eyes. “Why do you care?” “It doesn’t matter, you’re right. But I still wonder...”

  
  
The gang is asleep, and the Doctor knows she has about six hours before anyone will wake up. It’s always the same, every night. A little bit boring, but still exactly what she needs. She tried to find the Master, as always, but her hands wouldn’t stop to shake. Her thoughts always come back to Ruth... Ruth who is the Doctor. But she can’t be, she just can’t be right!

_”Everything that you think you know is a lie!”_  
She starts to understand but if she’s honest, she’s even more confused than before. It just can’t be right! Time is breaking down right in front of her and she doesn’t get it!

The Doctor wants to scream and screams until her voice is gone, just to do something that’s reliable... she wants to throw things around, the wants to hit the console until her fingers start to bleed just to feel something else. Just something that makes sense to her. But she can’t do it. Of course, she can’t! Not just because of her friends, but because she’s the Doctor, and the Doctor won’t do such a thing. (It’s a lie, it’s always a lie, but she doesn’t care.) Great, now she’s crying.  
  
She hears a knock, she doesn’t care. Doesn’t care, that she’s in space and none should be able to knock. She’s going to ignore it.  
The Tardis has other plans, because the doors swing open and she doesn’t want to turn her head, doesn’t care what it’s going to happen. (Another lie) But of course (as always) she turns her head an nearly chokes on her next sob.  
  
“Well Doctor, that’s a surprise.” And there she is _Missy_ as if nothing had happened. As if she didn’t betray her. What’s she doing her anyway?!

“I think I like the new you, nice hair, but I must say, I miss the eyebrows.” A second look shows her, that something isn’t right. Missy is pale, to pale, her dress is a mess and her hair falls in her face. She doesn’t even seem to notice the state of her appearance.

The Doctor finds her voice. „Missy... but... I don’t understand! What are you doing here?!“

If she thinks about this properly, she shouldn’t be here at all! Time Lords should meet in sync (more or less... time heals itself and something allows little jumps in time from both sides to cure these irregularities) and as far as the Doctor knows, Missy can’t be here, not after she met her future. (Well maybe the Master and his Tardis just didn’t care.)  
But if the Tardis let her in, she can stop to worry... hopefully. If she’s honest, she just doesn’t care anymore...

“Doctor, we need to talk, something is terrible wrong with time around you!” She lifts her gaze, looks in Missy’s pale, blue eyes she misses with her new incarnation. “I know….” “The time streams are breaking apart all around you! Something terrible is going to happen. Already happened!? I can’t tell anymore… Doctor…” The Mistress takes two shaking steps before she suddenly collapses. The Doctor sprints to her but can’t prevent her from hitting the floor.

“Missy, Missy…” The Doctor is astonished how hoarse her voice sounds. She pulls her friend in a sitting position and holds her there. Her body is too hot, her friend is burning up… “What are you doing here?! What happened?!” Missy starts to laugh, the Doctor is shocked how weakly she sounds. “I’m telling you about disrupted timelines and you ask me questions whose answer you already know.”

The Doctor is confused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about! You left me on that mondasion ship and the next time I saw you….” She halts. “Nothing of this happened to you yet?!” Her voice is really quiet. The Mistress laughs again, but this time she sounds just tired. “The mondasion ship feels like it only happened moments ago... It’s nice to hear you met me again… wasn’t so sure if I would survive this.”

That’s the moment the Doctor grasps the situation. The reason Missy feels like she’s ill with fever is, that she’s regenerating. “What the hell happened!” She doesn’t know why she feels like something inside her is breaking apart. Maybe because she had the feeling, she missed something. She always felt like the left Missy the one time she needed her, even if it was the other way around…. Or so, she thought.

In the end it’s like always and the Doctor and the Master needed each other the one time both of them needed the other one. It’s classic and now it’s the Doctor who can’t stop laughing. “Oh Missy… I thought you left me to die! You went with yourself, after you betrayed me…” She realises she’s crying.

“Doctor…” Missy weakly strokes over her hair. “I didn’t betray you… you left me alone, left me to die… but right know I think, both of us were busy dying.” Both women are laughing and crying at the same time, because it’s just so wrong. “I don’t understand, Missy, I really, really don’t get it…” Missy sighs. “I stabbed the younger me… He wasn’t happy about it and my decision to stand with you… so he shot me. I would say we’re even.”

The Doctor is really quiet now. She needs a long time before she finally finds her voice again. “You don’t need to be even with yourself… That was suicide… twice.” The next moment she starts laughing again. (No, she’s crying, but let’s pretend she laughs).

“Well than, Doctor…” Missy holds her close even if she should be the one who should need a hug, and the Doctor doesn’t even know why. “It’s like you told me, isn’t it?! Without hope, without witness, without reward.”

“Doctor.” Her friends voice sounds so sad. “I would love to stay with you, but we both know, that’s not right… time is already disrupting around you, and me being here, dying, doesn’t make it better.” The Doctor holds her even closer. “I don’t want you to regenerate… you’re going to do something terrible” (Gallifrey… Gallifrey destroyed, she cried too much, can’t even think about it properly right now)

“I think you really, really hate me, and I can’t find you, I just need you right know!” Missy kisses her on the forehead. “Right know I’m here and I promise you I will never hate you!” She strokes her hair again. “I’m sorry Doctor, but I’m need you to be ready for what’s coming for you. I don’t think it’s going to be pretty…”

“I know, I know…” Since when is she that emotional. “I meet Jack… and myself… but she can only be my past, and I’ve never been her. She’s nothing like me…” Her friend looks at her and the Doctor can’t tell if she’s grinning or just looking very sad, maybe it’s both. “That’s what I’m talking about, Doctor. I wouldn’t worry about Jack, to be honest, but a different you just make sense!”

“I don’t understand.” If the Doctor is honest with herself, she doesn’t even know, if she wants to understand right know. If she’s really honest, she just wants to spent time with Missy (without her being on the border of regeneration). But like always, she can’t. Its always the same between the Master and the Doctor and she doesn’t think that it will ever change… 

“Of course, you understand! A different you, you’ve never been, who can’t be your future… We’re not just talking about parallel universes, the walls don’t seem unstable, but timelines that never happened. Possible futures and past which mustn’t exist!”

The Doctor feels like she’s pushed in ice water. “But…” Maybe it’s Gallifrey ( _Gallifrey being destroyed, but don’t talk about it, don’t talk about it…_ ) but the last time ( _don’t think about the Time War, just stop thinking!_ ) nothing like this happened (after all Gallifrey was still there, wasn’t it. She just didn’t know.)

The whole existence of time is crashing around her, the universe could be in terrible danger, but there is only one thing the Doctor can’t think about (but she’s not selfish, isn’t she?!)  
“The current you, your future… if he really thinks I left him to die it makes so much sense how he acted…” Missy looks at her, such a strange look. “Doctor… maybe the Master you met wasn’t me… just another possibility which never happened…”

The thought never bothered her, but it would make sense… Would she want him to be another one’s best friend, Ruth’s Koschei?! The answer is no, she would be devastated if that’s the truth. The Master she met is _hers_ , as well she’s this Master’s Doctor!

The Doctor just wants the Master back on her side, as her friend, and Gallifrey back in the sky (she wouldn’t go there, of course she wouldn’t, but Gallifrey would still be _there_!)

“Missy, don’t leave me…” she whispers, knowing, that she can’t do anything about the possibly wrong timeline right know. But the moment Missy leaves (not allowed to keep her memories, but she doesn’t want to even think about this yet!) she would just search for the Master until she finds him. And she won’t find him as long he doesn’t want to be found.

“Doctor, Doctor… everything is going to be alright, like always.” She shakes her head. “No, not this time. Not if I’m going to lose you.” The Doctor says and it’s quiet between them. To long. But suddenly, she doesn’t even know if she’s dreaming it, Missy kisses her. Her lips are hot, she’s still burning up but she tastes like Koschei always does. _That’s a nice dream_ , the Doctor thinks wraps her hands around Missy and kisses back. _Everything is going to be okay_.

_Of course, Doctor, you and me, like always_. It’s Missys voice and it isn’t. It’s the Master, like always, but which one? He’s in her head but she doesn’t care. If she’s honest she’s thankful for his presents. Even if it means that none of that happened. She doesn’t know and she doesn’t want to think about it. Not now anyway…

Right now, they stop to care about the rules of time. Just for a few moments, they ignore them. The Doctor and the Master, two friends since childhood, are sitting close to each other and are watching the death of a sun out of the open Tardis’ doors. The Doctor holds Missy close and Missy holds the Doctor close. “I don’t know what I would do without you….” “Sshh, Doctor…” The Mistress whispers.

She’s dying, only moment away from regeneration. Both women know that, both don’t want to think about it. Who is Missy going to be? The Master who is going to destroy Gallifrey?! They don’t know the answer, because it’s never easy between the two of them. Always misunderstandings, betrays, wars. But that’s okay, for now, that’s okay.

Because for a moment it’s that easy. For a moment they are just Theta Sigma and Koschei, who want to spent time with each other. What ever is going to happened, for now it’s alright. For now, they have each other.

The Doctor thinks about the other her who just needs to be wrong! It’s just not possible for both of them to exist. This woman can’t be her future! After she thought about it, it just doesn’t make sense anymore. It’s not just, that the strange woman claims that she never has been her, but the way she acted. She’s nothing like the Doctor! Just a puppet who stole the name… The Doctor wishes it’s that easy, but the Judoon reading claimed, that they are the same person…. She just wants to forget everything about this meeting.

It’s a time like this were she wishes to talk to Koschei. But that’s not possible, not anymore. The person he is today, the Master, has nothing to do with the father of her children. It’s such a long time ago and the Doctor can slowly start to think about the past without crying and screaming. She misses Koschei, she misses her children.

But as much as she tries, she can’t change it. The Doctor would give anything to close her arms around Koschei, just hug him like they used to do. She sometimes wonders, if it would have change things, if they would never had been official a couple, if they would never had had their children.

Maybe, they would still be friends… She’s ashamed to even thing about this possibly, their children never born. Nevertheless the Doctor still wonders what would have happened, if Koschei said no… What would have happened if the two innocent boys, Theta Sigma and Koschei never had children. The Doctor can’t stop to wonder.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> I would really appreciate feedback, I’m not a native speaker and still practising to write in English. 
> 
> I’m honest, I only wanted to talk about a possibility who Ruth Doctor is… I got a little bit carried away with the Doctor and Missy… but I hope you still liked it.  
> It’s a little bit confusing but I just wanted to show how desperate the Doctor is right now. You can choose yourself if Missy really was there, if the Doctor was dreaming or if the Master telepathically gave her that dream to warn her and talk about the past without her knowing it (or whatever you like).  
> I’m not sure if I’m convinced about it myself (I’m not entirely happy) but I wanted to post it before the next episode, before it potentially doesn’t make any sense anymore... I still have a lot of different ideas and if the plot still makes sense afterwards I might continue this.


End file.
